Remind yourself that divorcing your partner is a huge decision, mentally, emotionally, and financially. You will also need to be willing to let go of a strong emotional attachment to your partner, so you should try to make the decision to get a divorce from a clear, unemotional standpoint. Ask yourself: What is my intent in getting a divorce? Any other agenda, other than ending the marriage, is an indication you may not be ready to get a divorce. Divorce has no power to right wrongs or change people’s hearts. Divorce can only end your marriage and your relationship with your partner. Keep in mind that spouses who consistently threaten divorce can lose credibility with themselves and their partner. So, if you are serious about getting a divorce, you will need to express this to your partner in a clear, but appropriate way.
If the feelings are mutual, you and your husband will have more options. If your husband has no idea, it can be a devastating conversation. Surprising your husband with this difficult news may also result in a more difficult transition for you both during the separation.
Keep in mind you are about to break some bad news that will probably evoke strong emotions. Compose a few sentences that do not contain strong language or an angry tone. Focus on using neutral language. Make “I” statements, such as: “Michael, I have some difficult news to tell you. I have reached a conclusion that you and I need to divorce. ” Avoid giving any false hope to your husband if you are serious about the divorce. Saying something like: “I haven’t been happy for a long time. But I want to see if we can work on some of the things that are troubling me” will give your husband the impression you want to fix the marriage. So if this is not your intent, avoid statements like this.
Turn off your cell phone and ask your husband to do the same. If you have children, ask a family member to watch them while you talk to your husband, uninterrupted.
You cannot control how well or how not well your husband takes the news. But if there is a history of violence or abuse in your marriage, make sure you have another person in the room with you. You can also tell your husband over the phone if you are concerned about your safety and do not want to be in his presence when you tell him the news.
Being respectful during the conversation will also make it easier to talk about other logistical things like shared custody of the children, if there are any, and the division of your financial assets.
For example: “I know this may be hard to hear, but I believe our marriage is over and I would like a divorce. ” Or, “We have both tried but it’s not working between us and I do not believe that any more counseling or therapy will help. I think the marriage is over and that we have to divorce. ”
For example, he may respond to you with: “This is just another example of you trying to run away from responsibility. You are so selfish and only think about yourself. I have given you everything I have. I’ve tried so hard to make this family and this home. I don’t deserve this and the kids don’t deserve this. ” Avoid a response like: “Don’t lecture me. I’m leaving because I’m sick and tired of your childish crap. I’m sick of living in this house and I’m sick of living without sex or affection. I’ve tried to make this marriage work and you block me out whenever I ask you to change. ” This response may feel good for about two minutes but will ultimately lead to a bitter fight. Instead, respond with: “I know this is very painful and I am so sorry I am doing this. But I just can’t see an alternative. I don’t have the feelings that we would need to make it work. There is too much distance between us to overcome. ” This response is better because it is not defensive or angry. You are showing your husband that you feel your decision is correct and it is not coming from a place of self-defense. You are also showing your husband that you are aware that any anger or defensiveness from you will only create more anger and hurt between the both of you.
If you are serious about the divorce, be firm about your decision. Tell your husband: “I don’t think a trial separation is the answer. We have tried to fix our marriage and I don’t think, at this point, it is going to work. ”
Reassure him that you are willing to work with him to achieve a fair and civil separation and to work with an attorney to find the best arrangement for the both of you.
Acknowledge that the divorce will create some big changes for both of you. Then, let him know you are going to be staying with a family member or friend for a few days. Or that you would like him to stay somewhere else so he can process the information. For example: “Thank you for listening to my thoughts, I really appreciate it. I know this is a lot to process. So take your time and think about what I have said. ”
Tell the truth. Your kids are entitled to know why you are getting a divorce, but very detailed reasons may only confuse them. Pick something simple and honest, like “We can’t get along anymore. ” You may need to remind your children that while sometimes parents and kids don’t always get along, parents and kids don’t stop loving each other or get divorced from each other. In general, younger children need less detail, while older children may need more details about the divorce. Say “I love you. ” However simple it may sound, letting your children know that your love for them hasn’t changed is a powerful message. Tell them you’ll still be caring for them in every way, from fixing their breakfast to helping with homework, and that you will both always be there for them. Address changes. Preempt your kids’ questions about changes in their lives by acknowledging that some things will be different now, and other things won’t. Let them know that together you can deal with each detail as you go. Avoid blame. Try not to be critical of your husband or his actions. Agree in advance to show a unified front and tell your children the same reasons for the divorce. Explain the temporary living situation with your children and when the divorce will be finalized.
You want to also give your controlling husband as little power as possible, and this means taking the children away from his control. You may need to ask for help from a friend to leave the family home and get away from your husband.
The most dangerous time for an abused woman is the first 24 hours after a restraining order has been issued. If you feel unsafe and decide to get a restraining order, ask the police if they can drive by your house. You can also contact your local shelter to see if you can stay in a safe house until things are settled.
If it is not possible to keep a lawyer out of it, make sure you hire an attorney that is willing to litigate your case before a judge. The attorney should know the value of settling the divorce quickly, but he should also be willing to fight for you in court should the need arise. Interview at least three attorneys before you decide on one. Look for a divorce attorney who has at least 5-10 years experience practicing family and divorce law.
Make a list of all possible assets that you own or partly own. Some shared marital assets are obvious. The marital home and any financial accounts and vehicles are assets that should be split equitably. Other assets might include artwork, pension plans, inheritances, or belongings brought into the marriage. Gather all documentation for each asset, including present value, when and where the asset was purchased, and whether it was purchased with joint or separate funds. Turn over all documentation to your attorney and keep a copy for yourself. Determine the debt in your marriage. When determining what you owe, it doesn’t matter whose name any debts are in. Marital debt will be split based on who is more financially able to pay the debt, not by whose name the debt is in. The easiest way to determine marital debt is to get a copy of your credit report. Turn this information over to your attorney as well. Determine your income. If you and your husband are salaried employees, give your attorney a copy of your most recent pay stubs and your most recent Income Tax Return.
Think about your living costs, and how much income you will have after the divorce. Some women experience a major drop income post divorce. So avoid getting dinged with bills you can’t pay by creating a budget for yourself. Figuring out your expenses post-divorce will also influence how you negotiate your divorce settlement. Your attorney can use this information to determine your settlement options or what you may ask for if your case goes to court.
