How comfortable are you with your sexuality? Are you still coming to terms with it? Are you still questioning your bisexuality, or are you secure with it? Do you think your mom can help support you emotionally? How so?[1] X Research source How do you feel about coming out to your mom? Are you scared, anxious, or worried at all? If so, why? Do you want your mom to know about your romantic life? Do you feel comfortable telling her if you have a partner of the same gender? Do you feel as though your love life is none of her business?[2] X Trustworthy Source Go Ask Alice Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University Go to source
A phone or video call can make this big conversation more personal and intimate. Choose a time when you know your mom is not busy. Just before or after dinner time is usually a good time. If you are worried about your mom’s reaction or if you think that it will be too difficult to say what you want to say, you can write a letter or email to your mom. Write the same things that you would say in person. If you can, try to meet her in person to tell her.
If you’re writing a letter, you can ask someone to read over it and give you advice. If this is too personal, however, you can just send it to your mother.
A campus or school LGBT group GLAAD The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Center Human Rights Campaign Gay Straight Alliance
Does she agree with bisexuality? Do you think she will be accepting or angry about you coming out? Is she familiar with what bisexuality is? Will she be confused by your coming out? Do you think she will dismiss or ignore your feelings? Does she have religious or moral beliefs that disagree with bisexuality? If you are financially dependent on your parents and you believe that there is a real risk they will throw you out, you may want to consider waiting to tell your mom until you are independent. This includes situations where you no longer live with your parents but rely on them for tuition, rent, or other living costs.
You may want to pack a bag ahead of time. You can even leave it at the safe place before you have the talk if you are very worried. If you are in crisis before or after the talk, you can call the Trevor Project helpline at 1-866-488-7386. [4] X Research source
At dinner During chores On a day off During a long car ride
You can say, “I was reading this piece about LGBT organizations. They say that people are being bullied for being bisexual. What do you think?” If your mother uses homophobic slurs or reacts with anger against LGBT people, you may want to reconsider coming out to her. Evaluate your safety before continuing the conversation. [7] X Research source If your mom demonstrates open-mindedness or support of LGBT people, this may be a good time to tell her.
You can say, “I want to tell you something about myself. For a while I’ve been thinking about my sexuality, and I’ve realized that I’m bisexual. ” You might also say, “Can we talk? There’s something I need to tell you. " If you are doing this over the phone, make sure that she is at home or in a private place where she can have a potentially long conversation. You might want to say, “Hey mom, do you have a few minutes to talk about something?” If she is busy, say, “I’ll call you later then. Everything is fine; I just need to talk. "
“You may have already figured this out, but I don’t want to feel like I’m keeping secrets from you. You know me better than anyone, and I want you to know this too. " “I know this may not seem like a big deal, but not telling you would make it one!” “I know you care about me, but I’m scared of being rejected by my family. I need to know that you accept me and love me as I am. " If you are struggling with your sexuality or if you are being bullied, you should let your mother know. State, “This is part of who I am, and I understand that. But others do not accept me, and that is difficult. I hope you can support me, Mom, because I love you, and I need your help right now. ”
If you mom asks what bisexuality is, you can say, “I’m attracted to both men and women. ”[10] X Research source She may ask if you’re gay or straight. You can say, “Neither. I’m attracted to both genders. ” You might explain that sexuality exists on a spectrum. If your mom asks if bisexuality is the same thing as polyamory or having multiple partners, you should say, “No. It’s different. I can be bisexual and still only have one partner. ”[11] X Research source
“I understand why you might think that, but this is a real thing. I am bisexual, and it is not going to change. ” ”I’m telling you now because I’m certain that I am bisexual. ” “I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I’m not experimenting. I’m just attracted to both genders. ”
If she asks if you are being safe in your relationships, you might want to reassure her by saying, “Yes. I’m using the same protection in all of my relationships. ” If you do not want to tell her about past or current partners, you can say something general and vague, such as, “I have had relationships with different people” or “I’m not telling you I have a boyfriend or girlfriend. I just want you to know what I’m feeling. ” If you are currently seeing a same-gender partner, you might say something like, “Yes, I am seeing someone. And yes, they’re the same gender as I am. ” Your mom may think that your bisexuality means that you will not have children. If you do want kids someday, you can say, “I can still have children. Either I’ll do it the traditional way, or I can adopt. I can even do in vitro fertilization. ”
You can say, “I know this might be difficult to hear. It was difficult for me to say. But it’s who I am, and I’m so happy that I can finally accept this part of me. ” You might also say, “The moment I accepted that I was bisexual, I felt as though a burden was lifted. I feel so much more comfortable with my identity now. ”
Sometimes the reason that parents seem angry, worried or upset is that they only want the best life for their child. Typically, members of the LGBT community have a harder time because of ignorance and bullying. [14] X Trustworthy Source Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services Go to source You can say, “I don’t look forward to discrimination, but it would hurt me even more to hide who I am. I don’t want to keep secrets from my own family. ” Your mom may act distant or dismissive at first. This does not necessarily mean that she is not accepting of your sexuality. She may be surprised, startled, confused, or uncertain how to act. It’s possible that once she’s had time to absorb the information, she’ll show you more love and acceptance. If your mom reacts well, she may want to start an entire talk on your sexuality. If this makes you uncomfortable, let her know. You can say, “Thanks for looking out for me, Mom. I’m so happy you’re accepting. I just don’t think I’m ready to start talking about my love life yet. ” If your mom reacts angrily, you can try to calmly tell her, “I know this is upsetting, but this is who I am, and it’s not going to change. ” If she threatens you, find your way to a safe place.
PFLAG, a family and ally organisation, is a great place to start for your mom. She can find other parents of bisexual people to get the support you both may need. [15] X Research source If your mom is Catholic, Dignity USA can help her reconcile her faith with your sexuality. [16] X Research source Other Christians can find support through the Gay Christian Network. If your mom is Muslim, you might contact Muslims for Progressive Values for support. [17] X Research source
You can say, “If you need some time to process this, I understand. Please let me know when you are ready to talk. ”
You can tell her, “Maybe we need some space from each other until we can both calm down. ” If she criticizes you, say “I’m hurt that you cannot accept my sexuality, and I need some space to cope with my feelings right now. Let’s talk later. "
You can say, “I did not choose to be bisexual. This is not something you can change. It is who I am, whether you like it or not. ” You might want to tell your mother, “I am who I am. I’m still your child, and I still love you. That won’t change either. ”
If you believe your mother is going to physically harm you, separate yourself from your mom, and call the police. If you are afraid of your mom, do not return to her home unless you have a friend accompanying you. You can also ask a family counselor or social worker to mediate the conflict. If your mom pays for tuition or living costs, she may try to cut you off. Give her a day or two to cool off. In the meantime, make sure that what money you do have is in a safe location where she cannot access it. Consider what options you will have if she does cut you off. For example, you might look into loans to pay for college or take a part-time job. If you are financially independent, your mom may try to cut off contact. If you want to maintain a relationship with your mom, give her a week to sort out her feelings before you try calling her. If she does not respond, try writing her a letter or email.
