For example, is this the right time for you? Are you in a place to have the kind of conversation you want to have? Sometimes, people may feel guilty for waiting to come out to someone close to them—but you shouldn’t.
You shouldn’t have to face this alone. There are people out there who want to help; prioritize getting the support you need. Check out these resources: The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline: (888) 843-4564 The GLBT National Youth Talkline: (800) 246-7743 The Trevor Project at (866) 488-7386
Writing your thoughts down could even help you sort through how you’re feeling. You may realize, for instance, that you really want your mom to know when you realized you were gay. Now you’ll remember to include that.
Your living room would likely be more comfortable for her than a public place, like the park. Similarly, if you know your mom is giving a big presentation at work, consider waiting until she’s done to have your discussion.
If you’re concerned that your mom might act unsafely or kick you out, have an exit plan ready. If you live with your mom, line up alternative housing. Consider meeting in a public location if you think you may be unsafe during the conversation. You could ask a friend to wait outside while you speak. If you believe you may end up in an unsafe living situation, you should consider waiting to come out until you’re financially independent.
“Mom, I have something important to talk with you about. I was thinking after swim practice tonight. Are you free then?” “I’m completely safe and healthy, but it is something really important. And I’d like it to be just the two of us. ” She may want to ask multiple questions right away. Try to stay calm and stick to the plan: “I promise we’ll talk about everything tonight. ”
“Mom, I want you to know that I love you so much. ” “I really want us to have an open, authentic relationship. And to me, that means I have to be honest about who I really am. ” “It’s because I trust you and love you so much that I want to have this conversation with you. It’s really hard, but it’s worth it. ”
At the end of the day, this is your message, and you should get to share it however you’d like. “Mom, I’m gay. It’s always felt like I was keeping a huge secret from the people who know me best, and I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to get to be myself. " “Your support means the world to me. I know you may need time to process this, but I really hope you can support and love me for who I am. "
“I love you and I want to hear what you have to say, but this is hard for me. I need the floor if I’m going to say everything I need to. ”
To comfort her, try, “I’m still the exact same person you’ve always known. And I love you. " To set a boundary, try, “I see that you’re angry, but this isn’t healthy for me. I can’t talk to you about this if you can’t be kind. " To leave the conversation, try, “I need to step away from this conversation. I’ll let you know when we can discuss this again. "
You can tell your mom that shouldn’t share this with anyone. Or, you can let her know specifically who she can and can’t speak to about your sexuality. “Hey, I need you to know that this is just between the two of us right now. I’m still working through things, so I’ll need more time before others know. ” “You can talk to your best friend about it, but please don’t mention this to anyone in our family. I’m not ready for that yet. ”
Try your best to stay empathetic while she processes. Your mother may be facing some confusing, overwhelming feelings, and they may not be what you expect. Your mom may feel guilty for not knowing sooner. She may feel worried for your safety. Any number of big emotions could be coming up for her. In time, these feelings will probably become much more manageable.
The people you love may need time to adjust. Coming out may take those closest to you completely by surprise, and their reactions could reflect that. Your mom’s reaction may not have been what you’d hoped. That’s okay. In fact, that’s common. Don’t forget—this will probably improve over time. Today, no matter what happened, you deserve to be treated. Go buy some candy, hang out with a friend, or take yourself to the movies. You did it!
By letting her know that you’re here to help her understand, the process will feel less scary and overwhelming to her. “Hey, I want to let you know that we’ll keep talking about this. I love you and I want you to understand me. So when you have questions, I’m here. ” Your relationship with your mom is probably important to you, but take care of you first. Your mental health should still be a top priority.
Hopefully, this will also teach her how she can best support you through your journey. You deserve to be surrounded by people who can do that for you. Think about your circle of friends. Have any of them come out to parents that you think could help? “Hey Mom, I know you’ve been struggling with this. Would you want to chat with Alan’s parents about their experience? They’d love to speak with you. "
You deserve to be surrounded by acceptance. If she can’t do that for you, then she’ll be missing out on an authentic relationship with an amazing person.
Go laugh your head off with your best pal over a cup of coffee. Enjoy a long walk with that friend who’s a really great listener. If you’re struggling to find someone to talk to, know that there are so many resources out there for you. Call an LGBTQ+ support hotline for help.
Get 8 hours of sleep each night. Make sure you’re eating enough food each day. Each morning, look in the mirror and say you’re proud of yourself. “It was so hard to come out to my mom, but I did it. I’m so brave. ”
