Consider: Why are you feeling driven to come out to your partner at this time? Has something changed recently, such as you’ve only lately come to realize this about yourself, or been able to accept it? What does being bisexual mean to you? How has it played out in your life, and how do you see it informing your future? Writing out your feelings and ideas may help to compose them.
Also make note of helpful websites that may be able to serve as resources for your spouse. Everyone processes differently, and it may be easier for your spouse to read information on a website later, at their own pace. Research whether there are any local bi organizations or community meet-ups you might be able to join. Bringing your partner with you into the bi community, and allowing them to meet other bi people, may help them accept bisexuality and understand how it fits into your life better.
Although you may want to seek support from others before coming out to your spouse, be careful who and how many people you tell. Word can spread very quickly, and you want to be able to come out to your spouse on your own terms. You can always join an anonymous online forum to get some motivation or a sympathetic ear from people whom you know can’t out you.
It’s a good idea to set aside a specific time in which to have the talk–maybe within the context of a special dinner date at home. It’s best to choose a place where you have privacy and you both feel comfortable. Never come out to your spouse during a fight. No matter how heated things may be in the moment, you will regret your slip of the tongue later. Receiving big news in a tense context will make it harder for your spouse to process it positively. While some find it easier to come out in writing rather than face-to-face, coming out in person can have its advantages, as you and your spouse can have a natural, in-the-moment dialogue.
Tell your spouse what being bisexual means to you and why you are coming out to them now. Be clear about what this means for your relationship. Has anything changed? Do you anticipate making changes in your life, now that you have come to accept this? Are you seeking to open the relationship? Make your perspective understood. Try not to be apologetic. You are being honest about who you are, and have nothing to apologize for.
It is also nearly impossible to predict how different someone’s initial reaction might be from where they may arrive at on the issue later on. Don’t be discouraged if their initial reaction is less than enthusiastic. Many people can be initially shocked or overwhelmed, but with time can become the strongest of allies. It bears repeating: always remember that people really do come around. You may be prepared for disbelief, but it’s always possible that you may wind up the surprised one–perhaps they will tell you they suspected it all along!
Listen carefully to what they have to say and try not to be defensive. Your partner may be very surprised and may not be considering their words carefully. Answer any questions they may have. Try to be non-judgmental about what they may ask. Remember, although you’ve probably had quite some time to educate yourself about bisexuality and think things through, they are probably only considering this for the first time. At a certain point, dependent on your spouse’s personality, it may be best to leave them alone–give them space to process on their own for a while.
If your spouse doesn’t want to talk about it again for a little while, be considerate of that, but don’t let them completely drop the subject, either. Find ways to slip in little reminders of the conversation now and then, and practice trying to be open about your sexuality. You need to be sensitive to your spouse’s feelings, but also respect your own need to be true to yourself.
Either way, fusing your newfound bisexual identity into your preexisting relationship is going to take time. Be patient, and enjoy the journey. It is always worth it: you are being true to you and allowing your partner to know you on a more honest level. That is the recipe for a much stronger, deeper relationship.
