Ask yourself, “What are my options, and what are the positives and negatives of each option?” Ask yourself about the emotional impact of the divorce. Some questions to consider include, “What do I want? What are the reasons this divorce is in my best interest? How will this affect the family?” Think about logistics as well. Ask, “Where will I live? How will I manage my finances? What will we do with the kids?”
It’s okay to ask for outside opinions, but notice if you start asking for more and more reassurance from others. Remember that it’s your decision to make. [1] X Research source Ask yourself, “Is this decision emotionally driven?” If so, wait a few days to see how you feel. Make the decision as rationally as possible.
Especially if you’re feeling unsure about your marriage, talk about the problems first before discussing divorce. Don’t hold your problems in or expect your spouse to know what you want or need.
Take some deep breaths to calm your body and your mind. Especially if you start to feel tense, deep breathing can relax you. [4] X Research source
Prior to the discussion, prepare yourself for these emotions, and ask yourself how you will handle them. If your spouse is emotionally reactive, don’t respond with more reactivity. Practice active listening instead by intently listening to your spouse talk without interruption and without planning what you’re going to say next. If you have problems managing your emotions, check out How to Be Less Emotional.
Agree that both of your actions have contributed to the demise of the marriage. No one person is at fault. Avoid blame speech by using “I” statements and not “you” statements. For instance, there’s a difference between saying, “You let me down too many times” and, “I feel abandoned and forgotten by you. ” Keep the focus on you and your own feelings. If you think the discussion may turn into blaming or fault-finding, find a way to deter this beforehand. Say, “This is irrelevant to our divorce and I do not want to get into discussions about blame or fault. It’s best we focus on the the future and how to end this as civilly as possible. ”
Perhaps you want a separation or for things to change in your marriage. If you want something else, such as therapy or more attention, don’t say you want a divorce first, but ask for these changes first. Say, “I feel like our marriage isn’t working, but I’m not ready to give up yet. Would you consider therapy or a mediator?” If you are absolutely ready for a divorce, say so clearly. You can say, “This is a difficult conversation to have, but I need to tell you that I want a divorce. I’ve struggled with this for some time, and I suspect you are aware of how difficult this relationship has been. This is something I’ve put considerable time into thinking about, and I believe it is the best decision regarding this marriage. I know this will be painful and difficult for all of us, but I believe we can get through this and be decent, reasonable, and mature from this point forward. ”[7] X Research source
To reflect understanding, say, “I hear you saying that you’re unhappy too, and that although you feel sad, you agree this is the right thing. Is that right?”
The way you treat your spouse in the first discussions of divorce can set the tone for how the divorce will continue. Stay calm and empathetic toward your spouse. If your spouse is angry, say, “I know this is difficult, and I can understand why you feel angry. I feel a lot of emotions, too, yet it’s important we be respectful to one another. ”
Say, “I don’t want drama to follow us as a result of this divorce. I want you to know that I am willing to be fair and reasonable about how we move forward, and I hope you feel the same way. ”
