Keep logs or records of what you’ve witnessed on a password-protected computer. To be efficient, write down just the facts and direct statements from the narcissist. Compare any of your accounts with others who deal closely with the narcissist. Later, show a narcissist the least amount of evidence possible to make your point. For example, if you’ve collected several chat logs, share only one line. Narcissists become more defensive when you present a large amount of evidence. [2] X Research source
Start off with an “I” statement like: “I just want to talk about Friday night. ” Talk about a simple observation like: “I had to finish the financial report on my own. ” End with an answer you want like: “I was wondering if you were aware of the supervisor’s deadline?”
Make a casual, comforting comment like: “We’re good. I didn’t mention it to anyone. ” Normalize mistakes with words like: “It’s totally okay to get tired or stressed. ” Say they can still be socially included with a remark like: “Just keep me in the loop so we can stay a team, okay?”
Present the narcissist with a clear question like: “Did you email your research to me on Thursday evening by 6 P. M. ?” Bring up your proof without blaming the narcissist. For example, say, “Hey, see this chat log? This confirms the deadlines we agreed to, right?” If they switch the subject, make a comment like, “It’s really important that we clear this up. Do you see what we said in the chat log?”
If they talk about an irrelevant detail, like bad WiFi, mention a solution they could have considered: “Our office always has great internet access. ” Continue to focus on their personal responsibility with a comment like, “You can always put your data on a $5 flashdrive. ” If the narcissist blames another person, refuse to take their bait. Say something like, “Jamie wasn’t on our team. She couldn’t tell you what our deadline was. ”
Ask them what people would think. Pose a question like, “Do you think Jamie will appreciate that you said she gave you the wrong information?” Claim that you’re just looking out for them with a comment like, “I just want you to be on good terms with her in case you collaborate with her. ” Make a narcissist think that saving their reputation is their idea. Say something like, “I know you’re well respected in this company and want to keep it that way. ”
One small, negative remark can make a narcissist crack and expose all their manipulation. For example, if you just say, “That’s not true. You promised to share all your findings by the deadline,” the narcissist may immediately get offended. Then, the narcissist may act up and forget to keep track of all their lies. They might give you two different accounts. If they do, point that out.
If a narcissist starts to blame you, deal with their behavior by refusing to give them attention. Just make a remark like, “This doesn’t feel productive right now. We can talk about this later. ” If the narcissist cries or complains, let them handle their emotions on their own. You’ll teach them that their feelings aren’t your responsibility. Only use positive reinforcement when the narcissist stops overreacting and starts telling the truth. Make a comment like, “It’s mature of you to admit that. ”
If they tell you not to worry, give them reasons why you already doubt them. If they say they want to support you, tell them how they’ve made your life difficult. When they claim they can change, let them know you’ve already given them chances. Each time you bring up a fact, you’ll chip away at their claims that they’re trustworthy.
Stand up for what you saw. For example, say, “I know we discussed this before. ” Say that your memory is clear. Make a comment like, “I can’t misremember chat logs. ” Be direct and the narcissist’s impact on you with words like, “This added to my stress level. ” When you never budge on your account, the narcissist can’t replace your truth with their twisted or invented facts.
When you accept an apology, a narcissist thinks they’re “off the hook. ” If you ignore how “sorry” a narcissist is, they know they’re held to a higher standard. Ultimately, a narcissist is more likely to admit fault if you hold them accountable.
