Finally, when I say, “Raise your hand if your breakthroughs were preceded by breakdowns that were often unplanned, uninvited, nerve-racking and sometimes downright scary and where, frequently, the nature of the breakthrough may not even correlate to the breakdown,” still well over 50% raise their hand.
“Here’s the reason for that,” I explain. “A breakdown means that something you were heading toward, counting on and had confidence in occurring, didn’t. When that happens, it can shake up your mind, your thinking, your beliefs and stop you in your tracks. But that shakeup also offers you the opportunity to develop a different mindset — thinking and beliefs that can cause you to look at the world through different eyes and see and seize different and better opportunities.”
But here’s the deal. Too often, when breakdowns occur, we resort to coping mechanisms to deal with the hurt, fear and pain that may relieve us for the moment but make matters worse. These can include getting drunk, using drugs, binge eating, smashing things out of frustration and yelling at someone close to us. When that happens, it can trigger embarrassment, guilt and a need to apologize to others. If nobody sees it, it can still trigger shame at having acted so out of control and self-destructively.
Dealing, then, with guilt or shame can cause you to then miss the breakthrough. What can be done to prevent this?
Earlier in my career as a clinical psychiatrist, I’d occasionally cover the emergency room in large hospitals. Sometimes patients would come in who were a danger to themselves or others, and when that occurred, we were able to put them on something called a 5150 — better known as a “72-hour hold” — and hospitalize them for that period of time to prevent them from doing something destructive.
Even though such emergency hospitalizations coincided with also administering medication to calm them down if they were agitated, it seemed to me that just the 72 hours was enough to have immediately destructive impulses pass. That experience provided me with the single best way for me to deal with setbacks, breakdowns and upsets.
When they occur, I psychologically put myself on a 72-hour hold, admonishing myself in my mind with the command, “Don’t do anything to make things worse for 72 hours.” That meant no screaming, excessive drinking or eating, or smashing something out of frustration.
Furthermore, as an addendum, I’d say to myself, “Continue to practice whatever routines you do daily — walking, exercising, journaling, reading, watching television, corresponding (calmly) to emails and so on — that have the effect of helping your mental health.”
The first 24 hours can be “nail biters” (and I’ll confess to occasionally succumbing to that unhygienic habit), but after that, it begins to ease. And finally, it doesn’t always happen, but frequently, by the end of that 72 hours, I’ll indeed have a breakthrough that caused me to look at the world and my life with a different perspective.
Why don’t you give it a try?
Next time you experience a breakdown or upset, pause, take a few long slow deep breaths, and say to yourself, “Don’t do anything to make this worse for 72 hours and keep up your usual routines and habits that contribute to your psychological and emotional well-being.”
Need company? In addition to the 72-hour hold, I’ll also occasionally conjure up in my mind’s eye the image of one of my eight dead mentors who, at the end, included Larry King and leadership guru Warren Bennis. After I do that, I’ll imagine them asking me the following questions and my answering them in my mind:
What just happened?
What did you think when it happened?
What did you feel when it happened?
What did it make you want to do? (Usually, the destructive impulse that’s better put into words.)
What would happen if you did that? (Usually, a negative consequence.)
What would be a better thing to do?
Why that?
Ironically, the better thing to do is having this internal conversation with someone who believed in me, cared about me, had confidence in me, and — dare I say — loved me. Allowing myself to feel the love, appreciation and gratitude I had for them and how much I missed them almost always has a calming effect on me that helps me not break out of the 72-hour hold.
What person, living or dead, could you call upon in your mind’s eye to help you stay true to your 72-hour hold?
