Did they suffer from a sprained back, serious infection or is there an ongoing cause of pain such as arthritis, diabetic neuropathy, or some other form of nerve damage? Know when the pain started, and do some research or read stories about people with similar issues. Sometimes doctors cannot find the source of the pain, but are aware that the patient is suffering from the pain on a daily basis. Don’t push a chronic pain sufferer to talk about things they don’t want to. For some people, bringing it up will just make them feel worse. Common chronic pain complaints include headache, low back pain, arthritis pain, pain from damage to the peripheral nerves or the central nervous system or pain without any known source. A person can have more than one co-existing chronic pain condition, such as chronic fatigue syndrome, endometriosis, sciatica, peripheral neuropathy, or inflammatory bowel disease, or depression. Accept that words may be inadequate to describe how the sufferer is feeling. Recall a time when you experienced a lot of pain and imagine that pain being present twenty-four hours a day every day without relief for the rest of your life. It’s hard to find the words for that sort of pain.
Do not assume the chronic pain sufferer is not experiencing pain if they say they are fine. Many sufferers attempt to hide the pain due to a lack of understanding in others. When asked about their pain level, chronic pain sufferers may not give you their actual level of pain. Because their pain is chronic, they are used to a certain level of pain and may just accept that as normal or no pain. They may only give you a correct pain level when they have some form of acute pain, when the “normal” level of pain that they live with daily changes, when they experience pain that now feels differently (I. e. , “shooting” instead of “aching”, " burning" instead of throbbing"), or when they are asked directly about their current levels of both acute and chronic pain.
Depression can cause some people to show less emotion, which can mask the pain because the sufferer ceases to make it known. Always be on the lookout for signs of depression and do not confuse this with there being any less pain. Depression may also cause people to show more emotion (crying and tearful, anxious, irritable, sad, lonely, hopelessness, fear of the future, easily agitated, angry, frustrated, hyper/over talkative due to medications/need to vent/lack of sleep). This, like their pain level, can vary day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. One of the worst things you can do is abandon someone with chronic pain. That just gives them one more reason to be depressed, feel lonely and not be very positive. Try to be there for them and show them support however you can.
The sufferer may not know, from day-to-day, how they are going to feel when they wake up. Each day has to be taken as it comes. This can be confusing for everyone but is very frustrating for the sufferer. Being able to stand up for ten minutes doesn’t mean that the sufferer can stand up for twenty minutes, or an hour. Just because the person managed to stand up for thirty minutes yesterday doesn’t imply that they will be able to do the same today. Movement is not the only limitation that chronic pain sufferers may experience. One’s ability to sit, walk, concentrate and be sociable can also be affected. Be very understanding if the chronic pain sufferer says they have to sit down, lie down, stay in bed or take these pills right now. It probably means that they have no choice and can’t put it off just because they happen to be somewhere or are in the middle of doing something. Chronic pain does not wait for anyone.
Being sick does not mean that the sufferer is no longer a human being. Though chronic pain sufferers spend the majority of their day in considerable pain, they still want the same things that healthy people want. They too want to enjoy work, family, friends and leisure activities. The chronic pain sufferer may feel as if they are stuck inside a body in which they have little or no control. Pain puts everything you used to enjoy out of reach and can contribute to feelings of helplessness, sadness and depression. Try to remember how lucky you are to be physically able to do all of the things that you can do. Then imagine if you couldn’t.
Make it clear that you want to hear what they have to say. Many people with chronic pain feel that others won’t believe them or will ridicule them for being weak. Try to decode what they’re hiding or minimizing through body language and tone of voice. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Sharing means you both give something. To create a strong empathetic bond and really make your exchange matter, you will need to reveal your true feelings, beliefs and experiences as well. Read How to be a good listener for more details on being a great listener.
Don’t be put off if the chronic pain sufferer seems touchy. They have been going through a lot. Chronic pain wreaks havoc on the body and the mind. These people do their best to cope with how exhausting and exasperating the pain is but can’t always be ok. Try to accept them as they are. A chronic pain sufferer may need to cancel a previous commitment at the last minute. If this happens, please do not take it personally.
Many people offer to help but really aren’t there when asked to be. If you offer to help, make sure you follow through. The person with chronic pain that you care about is depending on you.
Punishing an ill person for not following through with something will make them feel worse and show them that you really don’t understand. Those experiencing chronic pain already deal with more than most could ever comprehend. Try to understand why they couldn’t follow through.
Sometimes just laying your hand on the shoulder of someone can help give them comfort. A hug can be incredibly comforting to someone in pain, especially when no solution is in their sight. You may need to ask first. “Can I give you a hug?” is a good place to start. For some people, touch can be painful, so asking them gives them the chance to tell you yes or no, and if they need special care such as a hug with firm or light pressure, no rubbing, or avoidance of certain painful areas. Remember to be gentle. A hug can build a connection and let them know you’re there to support them.
Try not to say: “But you did it before!” or “Oh, come on, I know you can do this!” Staying as active as possible and partaking in activities like walking, biking, and tai chi may help ease muscle and joint pain. Sometimes being sedentary causes pain to get worse. However, don’t lecture on the value of exercise and fresh air. For a chronic pain sufferer, these things may not help the pain and can often exacerbate it. Telling them that they need to exercise or do something to “get their mind off of it” may frustrate them. If they were capable of doing these things any or all of the time, they would. Another statement that hurts is, “You just need to push yourself more, try harder”. Sometimes participating in a single activity for a short or long period of time can cause more damage and physical pain for the chronic pain sufferer—not to mention the recovery time, which can be intense. An individual with chronic pain does not need to be told “You are too sensitive”, “You have to deal with it better” or “You have to do it for X, Y or Z”. Of course they are sensitive! You have no idea what they cope with or the amount of pain or worry they deal with.
Be sensitive when suggesting medicines or alternative treatments. Prescription drugs, over-the-counter medicines and alternative therapies can have side effects and unintended consequences. Some sufferers may not appreciate suggestions—but it’s not because they don’t want to get well. They may have heard of it or tried it already. They may not be ready to cope with a new treatment that can create an additional burden on their already over-burdened lives. Treatments that haven’t worked carry the emotional pain of failure, which in and of itself can make the person feel worse. If there is something that cured or helped people with a particular form of chronic pain like theirs, then let the sufferer know when they seem receptive and are ready to hear it. Be sensitive to how you bring it up. Don’t lecture about prescription medicine if they’ve been prescribed by a doctor. Pain control is hard to manage and some days these sufferers may require more pain medicine than others. Tolerance is NOT addiction. Avoid being judgmental about drug use pursued by chronic pain sufferers.
People who live with chronic pain know how they feel and are well aware of their situation, so avoid projecting onto the sufferer how you think they should be feeling. Throw lifelines rather than throwaway lines by saying something like: “So how can I help you”, or “is there anything that I can do to help you deal with your pain?"[16] X Research source
Comfort those with chronic pain, and let them know that you are there for them. A loyal friend is a life saver!
When the ill person finally opens up to someone, they should not be told that they “talk about it too much” or it’s “all they talk about”. Recognize that pain is probably a huge part of their lives. They may not want to talk about things like vacations, shopping, sports or gossip.
