In other words, the male ego is not only a reflection of the individual self, but also of cultural definitions of masculinity and ideas about how men should think and act. Men’s identities are thus shaped by social influences. Humans are social beings after all![3] X Research source
To understand the male ego, you need to understand how society shapes men’s expectations of themselves. This is important because many men have developed ways of dealing with these social demands. In many cases, men aren’t even aware of how society influences them. For example, most men don’t really know how they came to be sports fans or think that blue, green, and gray are boys’ colors while pink and purple are girls’ colors.
For example, in most American communities, the male gender role is typically understood and described in active as opposed to passive terms. Men are courageous, strong, competitive, independent, and stable (in contrast, women are passive, emotional, weak, and more socially-oriented). To give another example, men in many communities in the western world are expected to avoid showing emotion. Remember the old saying “boys don’t cry?” Instead, men are supposed to be macho and strong in the face of personal challenges, such as loss, grief, and sadness. [7] X Research source Levant et al (1992). The male role: An investigation of norms and stereotypes. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 14, 325-337.
It’s important to find out how individual men feel about and respond to these social expectations of how men should be because they will vary in each and every case.
This might mean that the man in your life might remain stoic when someone important to him dies. Since anger is an emotion that is more acceptable for men to show, in situations where they might be sad, they will instead get angry. [9] X Research source If your man has a reaction that confuses you, keeping this social conditioning in mind will help you understand his reaction. He has emotions, but he’s been taught not to show them, because it’s perceived as a sign of weakness.
Because of emotion suppression, your man might not be able to discuss how he is feeling. If he’s willing to work on this with you, realize that this will take practice and time. Realize that suppressing emotions is not only a male trait. Women suppress emotions also. Women also need to work on expressing their emotions in productive ways. Just because women are thought to be better at expressing emotions, this doesn’t mean this is always the case. People are not born knowing how to express their emotions in meaningful and efficient ways. It’s a skill that needs to be learned for both men and women. [11] X Research source
It’s important to avoid making assumptions about men and anticipate their behavior to conform to the gender roles and expressions you’d typically expect. Don’t assume he likes sports, for example, or that he likes beer and hates “chick flicks”, which are all common stereotypes about men. Rather, get to know the man in your life on an individual level as opposed to approaching him based upon what you think you know about men in general. After all, he’s just a human being just like you and has his own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
For example, if a man interjects in a conversation to say that he thinks professional women’s sports aren’t worth anyone’s time, don’t just blame his comments on the male ego. Try to understand that he lives in a world where women’s sports really are NOT valued as highly as those of men. In a lot of ways, this attitude isn’t surprising; both men and women have been told by society that professional men’s sports matter more than women’s. The problem may not be with this individual man, but with society as a whole and how it talks about men, women, and gender roles. Empathy can be an important step on the route to transformation. Once you empathize with how his behavior has been impacted by social expectations and norms, you can then begin to open the conversation to challenge that process. For example, perhaps broach the subject of why we don’t value female athletes as much as male athletes in major sports. What types of social cues have led us to think women’s sports don’t matter as much, such as the news coverage, salaries, etc. ? This empathy can also come in the form of checking your own instant reactions to moments when your boyfriend, father, or other male friend or family member doesn’t conform to gender stereotypes. For example, if he mentions that he really likes to go the ballet, your instinct based on conventional gender norms might be to consider that “girly” and not very manly. Instead, check those reactions and remember that you too might be part of the problem in validating the male ego.
If he makes a lot of sexist jokes that denigrate women and portray men as superior, you’re going to have a harder time breaking down the male ego. The first step is to have a genuine discussion about the unfunny nature of those jokes and to ask him why he makes them. The hope is that he will realize that these jokes are not funny and that he only does it because everyone else does it too. Making men aware of their behavior and drawing attention to the things that they do that reflect almost unconscious motives can help them to be more conscious about what they say and do.
Talk and get to know each other. Share private details about your past, stories that give a sense of who you are, how you grew up, and what sorts of things made you the way you are today. Ask the man to reciprocate; you might be surprised by his honesty and how, over time, the layers of the macho male ego slip away to reveal his true colors. Maybe he will confess that he cried when watching The Notebook or that he hates all organized sports, things that are not traditionally associated with masculinity. In other words, as he feels more trusting and open with you, he may be more forthright about some of the ways in which he is ambivalent about some aspects of the gender role he is supposed to embody. This will act as yet another avenue for more intimate communication.
Discrepancy Strain - When a person fails to meet typical gender norms. For example, perhaps a man is experiencing depression and decides to seek help. This is a discrepancy with the notion that “men should tough it out. " Trauma Strain - When a person experiences a traumatic life event during the process of being socialized into the appropriate gender. For example, perhaps the man is experiencing depression partly in relation to his “man’s man” father who was very tough and taught him that “boys don’t cry”. Dysfunction Strain - When a person fulfills a gender role that is dangerous or causes harm. For example, if the man doesn’t seek treatment for his depression based on the idea that men don’t need help, his depression will likely continue and perhaps even worsen.
For example, eating disorders have been increasingly prevalent in men due to social pressures for men to have fit, athletic, and toned bodies. Men who don’t fit this ‘perfect’ body type have feelings of low self-worth and in turn punish their bodies for not being perfect. [16] X Research source Note that since self-reliance is typically part of the male ego, men often don’t get the help they need.
They change themselves to meet social expectations. Changing one’s self identity is not easy, and in many cases men do this to realize the benefits of complying with social expectations. For men, these benefits are numerous, including acceptance from other men, increased self-esteem, and increased social status, among others. They reject social expectations. In this case, men who do not conform to societal pressures can incur negative consequences, such as rejection from other men, lower status, and fewer social and romantic possibilities. For this reason, most men do not choose this option and instead find it easier to try to fit traditional gender norms and then cope with the discrepancy (and not always in a healthy way). They shift social expectations. Thought this is the ideal option and what that can make a positive difference in our society, it’s also difficult. Gender norms are deeply entrenched in our society and trying to shift those is no easy task. However, there have been successes in the past, as the growing acceptance of homosexuality and transgender individuals indicates.
For example, in a crisis or emergency situation and in some kinds of work, the ability to “stay calm” and “keep a level head” has great value. Such skills are useful in certain occupations from emergency room nursing to running a Fortune 500 company. These are also valuable life skills that help us to care and support for others as parents, friends, and community members. [17] X Research source The main challenge here is to value some of the knowledge and skills that are part-and-parcel of the male ego without these becoming the only way we operate. For example, while it can be useful in some respects when men remain calm and don’t let their emotions overtake them, in other situations it’s important to show and work through emotion. So, try to embrace some of the strengths of the male gender role without subscribing to it wholeheartedly or uncritically. [18] X Research source
You grew up and are enmeshed in the society in which you live. Even when you realize how much of who you are is based on social influences, this doesn’t mean that you have to start over – in fact, this is basically impossible since ideas about gender roles permeate all aspects of our society! That said, being more aware about how gender is a social construct can make you a more conscious observer of your own thoughts and behaviors. You can incorporate those aspects of the male ego that you feel enhance yourself (such as being goal-driven or leadership), and reject those that harm your own well-being or that of others, such as the need to dominant others or view emotion as weakness.
