Make it clear you just want some closure. Make sure your ex does not feel intimidated or nervous about meeting up with you. Be courteous when you contact him. For example, you could say something like, “I’m just not dealing the best with the breakup. If you have time, I think talking things over would help. I could use some closure. " If he refuses to talk about it with you, say something like, “Okay, I understand that it might be hard for you to talk about this. Thank you for taking my call. I wish you the best. "
You should pick a place that’s somewhat private. However, you don’t want a location where either of you would feel uncomfortable. Having your ex over to your place may be weird, but a crowded restaurant would make conversation difficult. A quiet coffee shop would be a good in-between option. Pick a location without any emotional attachment. Do not, for example, choose to meet in the coffee shop where the two of you had your first date.
You may want your ex back for a variety of reasons. Seeing him may trigger certain feelings. You may think there’s a slim chance the two of you will reconcile if you spend time together again. Put these feelings out of your mind. Remind yourself that you’re just gaining closure and perspective. [4] X Expert Source John KeeganDating Coach Expert Interview. 5 November 2019. You should also keep in mind this conversation will not cure all bad feelings. You will still experience sadness for the loss. You just may have a better understanding of why it happened.
You can start off by talking about your ex’s positive qualities or your best memories of the relationship. Bring up what you valued and gained from the romance. For example, “I really appreciate the time we spent together. You were always very kind and loving to me, and I will always know how I deserve to be treated in the future. "
Do not start off with something like, “What did I do wrong?” or “What’s wrong with me?” Instead, phrase things in a calm and mature fashion. For example, you can say something like, “I’m just having a hard time dealing. I was wondering if you could tell me what could have been better about our relationship. Knowing why things ended would help me move forward. "
Thank your ex for taking the time to talk to you. Leave the door open for future communication. Say something like, “If you ever want to get together again, let me know. " If you feel comfortable, try giving your ex a quick hug goodbye.
Make sure you select a friend who is a good listener. A friend who tends to interrupt, or give advice, is not the best option. Self-reflection can help you understand the loss. As you go over the relationship with a friend, you may begin to see what went wrong. You can process the information out loud, which can allow you to see something you missed before. Let your friend know exactly what you need from them. Whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, someone to bring you out for a good time, or a fellow person to be angry with, your friend should know what you want from them. For example, you could say, “Thanks for listening to me, Jen. I know I’ve talked a lot about this breakup with you, and I really appreciate that you’re taking the time to listen. I need to talk this through again to help me understand what happened. "
You can express anything you wanted to say to your ex but could not. Talk about what you loved about the relationship, but also what was frustrating. Do not censor yourself. Just let your thoughts unfold. You may gain some insight through writing. As you write about the relationship, you may have a realization about why it ended. You may, for example, start to see you and your ex were very different as you write things down.
Were you and your ex really right for one another? Think about whether you were compatible long term. Did you have different interests and goals? Were you personalities always compatible? [13] X Expert Source John KeeganDating Coach Expert Interview. 5 November 2019. Were the two of you really in love? Love does fade over time. It’s possible the passion had drained from the relationship. Were there any differences you missed before? Some differences and disagreements are hard to reconcile.
Try to come to terms with the fact there will always be confusion surrounding a breakup. Even if your ex were to explain, there’s a chance you would not understand or accept his explanation. Remember, you can heal from the breakup without closure. While it can be helpful to know why things ended, it is not necessary to move forward. Ask yourself if knowing why it ended will make it hurt any less.
Did you two fight frequently? If so, you may just have not been compatible. While fighting is a normal part of any relationship, when you’re fighting more than you have fun, that’s a sign something is wrong. Did any of your feelings change during the relationship? Feelings may have faded. Even if you wanted to stay in the relationship, you may have been aware feelings were waning. This is a sign the relationship was coming to an end.
Trust issues often tank a relationship. Was there infidelity at any point or even flirtation outside of the relationship? Maybe you two were just different people. Maybe you were more social than your boyfriend. He wanted to stay home a lot, while you wanted to go out with your friends on weekends.
People who fear commitment long for the connection of a romantic relationship. However, when they begin to feel close and comfortable with someone, they get nervous. They may end things just as they begin to get serious. Look at your boyfriend’s past. Has he had a lot of other girlfriends? How long did these relationships last? If your boyfriend has a habit of getting involved fast and then breaking things off, this is a sign he has commitment issues.
When you’re young, dating is about learning about yourself and exploring new experiences. If you and your boyfriend are still in middle school or high school, it’s possible he wasn’t ready for a long term commitment. Maybe your ex-boyfriend values you as a person, but he simply wants to explore other things.
Acknowledge your emotions. It’s okay to feel angry, resentful, sad, or confused. Even if you don’t like what you’re feeling, embrace it. You may want to find ways to let your emotions out. You could watch a sad movie or read a sad book. You could also vent to a friend or family member about what you’re feeling.
Cut yourself some slack. Do not feel like you should be over it by now, or that there’s something wrong with you for not bouncing back quickly. Breakups are hard, and it’s okay to take your time. There is no set timeline for you to feel better. Everyone grieves at their own pace. Don’t feel like you have to be over it by a specific deadline.
If there’s any form of physical activity you enjoy, try getting active. Exercise can help regulate your mood.
Do not sit around thinking negative thoughts about your ex. Do not pick at his flaws or wish him bad things. Instead, appreciate the time you had. Most romantic relationships do not work out in the long run, but they’re an important learning experience. Even if this romance did not work out, there will more in the future.
